Watching For Signs of Stress, Age by Age
Although not all children are the same, even within age groups, there are certain signs of stress that you can watch for in your kids.
Babies and toddlers (ages 0-2) do not have the intellectual capacity to process the ideas of war, but they can certainly pick up on any stress you may be experiencing, and they react to the sounds of explosions on the television and the grave tone of voice that adults take on during these times. Increased, inconsolable crying, loss of, or increased appetite, and regression (such as failure to toilet properly when this was previously not a problem, increased “baby talk” from a usually articulate toddler, or returning to crawling after learning how to walk) are all signs of stress that an affected child might exhibit.
Keep in mind that although they may not be able to process them fully, images of violence can, and often do, upset young children. Try to limit the amount of violence your baby or toddler sees on the television, and balance upsetting news with “nice” news, or perhaps videos. Give your child the extra cuddling and attention he or she needs and speak to him or her in calm, soothing voice. Find patience if your child is exhibiting regressive or difficult behavior, and try to maintain your daily routines.
Pre-schoolers (ages 2-5) may have an increased understanding of language and some grasp of abstract ideas, but they often lack the ability to differentiate facts from fantasy. They may think that the war is happening in their neighborhood, or that the airplanes flying overhead are carrying bombs. Some may just be picking up on their parents’ increased stress levels, and become increasingly anxious. Signs of stress in children this age may include general anxiety, difficulty with separation, increased aggression, war play, changes in appetite, difficulty sleeping and/or nightmares and regression.
Some children may exhibit no signs of stress, but are still not immune from these anxieties. Susanna Neumann, Ph.D, advises, "Don‘t wait for concrete signals. Assume situations like these are stressful for preschoolers." Because pre-school aged children have difficulty separating what they see on television from daily life events, try to limit their exposure to violent media coverage. They may react to loud noises and explosions, images of people being hurt or killed, or angry adults talking and shouting. Conversations about routine events, such as visiting relatives, weekend plans, or what’s going on in school, will help maintain a feeling of security.
Give your child artistic implements, such as paints or crayons, and encourage them to express their feelings by using these tools in order to gain further insight into what your child is experiencing, and enable them to gain their own insight. If your child does ask questions about the war, ask open-ended questions about what they know already. They may just want assurance that they are safe. A detailed explanation of war and violence might only upset them further. Keep your tone calm and reassuring, and tell your children only what they need to know.
Grammar School Aged Children (ages 5-11) begin to step away from the self-centered viewpoint and question what is going on in the world. Although they are capable of more abstract reasoning, they may not have the emotional complexity to assimilate their own intellectual knowledge. While a child may “know” that violence is taking place far away, she may still experience fear and anxiety that she or her family members will be hurt at home (this is especially true of younger children). It’s at this age that children may begin to ask difficult questions, or see contradictions between how they have been told to behave (don’t hurt others, not to fight, etc.) and how the adults they see on television are behaving (shooting guns, dropping bombs, etc.). They may be enthusiastically in favor of their “team,” or the seemingly strong party, or they may, inversely, empathize with the victims of war. Signs of stress in children this age include changes in appetite, separation anxiety, increased aggression (or passivity), lack of enthusiasm for schoolwork or previously enjoyed activities, complaints of stomachache or fatigue, or the development of strange rituals or unusual behavior.
Although it is recommended that you bring up current events with school-aged questions, you do not necessarily have to go into the details of the war. Ask them if they’ve been hearing a lot about the war, or what their feelings are. Listen non-judgmentally. If they have opinions or ideas that differ from your own, rather than telling them that they’re wrong, ask them why they feel that way. Giving children opportunities to think about and back up their own ideas will teach them to think critically, and can also help them to work through what they may be feeling. Try to limit exposure to violent media, and watch television alongside them so that you can be there to answer any questions they might have, and to provide them with insight into events.
Adolescents and High-School Aged Children (ages 11 and up) are usually able to contextualize military events or actions better than their younger siblings, but the war may still upset or anger them. They may be concerned for relatives or friends’ relatives who are overseas, or they may worry that violence will come to them. Although they have a clearer understanding of where the war is taking place, and occasionally why, older children may still develop related stress and anxiety. Fixation on the war, change in appetite, increased moodiness, and increased aggression are all signs that stress might be affecting your child adversely.
Because older children are more sophisticated than younger ones, you can take the time to have serious conversations with them about the war. Ask them their opinions on the conflict, whether or not they feel upset, and what their friends are saying about it. Encourage them to support their opinions, and share your own opinions with them without telling them that they’re right or wrong. Listen non-judgmentally, and try not to get upset if your teen’s opinion is different from your own. Having ideas that differ from their parents’ is an important part of an adolescent’s journey toward independence and identity development. If you notice that your adolescent or teen is developing war-related anxiety or an unhealthy obsession, try to distract their attention from media coverage, especially on television. Encourage them to engage in unrelated activities, and try, as much as possible, to maintain your household’s routines. Maintaining the beat of life is key.
Helping Your Children to Help
Often, in times of war, children feel helpless to make any changes. They may want to become involved in whatever way they can – this can be an incredibly effective way of coping with their fears and feelings. Help your children write letters to the President or your State Senator voicing their opinions on the war. Volunteer together in aid efforts, or have them join you in the process of donating to war-related charities. If your family is religious, encourage your child to pray for the safety of those involved in the struggle, or to pray for peace. Helping gives your child a role in what is going on in the world, and teaches them to engage in proactive solutions instead of passive anxiety. Your child has power, teach her/him that.
Sources: PBS Parent’s Organization: Issues and Advice: Team Advice, Diane Levin, Ph.D., Primary Advisor
Book Recommendations: Shattered: Stories of Children and War
by Jennifer Armstrong (Editor), Knopf; (February 12, 2002); Tough Times, Strong Children: Lessons from the Past for Your Child‘s Future, Dan J. Kindlon, Hyperion, 2003.
