Child Behavior and Parental Self-Esteem
Mark Hobbins

I was shocked the first time it seemed as though my kids really did not care about my feelings. Well, at least that is how they behaved. I felt as though my heart and feelings of self-worth were on a chopping block and that my kids were slicing, dicing, and smashing at those deep feelings.

I wondered, “How can they disregard me so easily and treat me with contempt as if I were a criminal?” After all, I had worked and suffered for their welfare, and felt as if I were sacrificing my interests, time and resources for them. Diane and I both felt these similar feelings and were not at all prepared for such actions.

After much thought and introspection, I discovered that much of my self-esteem was tied to the intimacy I felt with my children, as well as to their behavior. If they succeeded then I was a success. If they were not achieving what was expected, then I was a failure. Somehow early in my life I got the impression that kids would give love for love, kindness for kindness and service for service (sacrifice for sacrifice) and would do so gladly. Was I ever misguided!

As time went on, and the children (and I) grew older, I learned something: Our children don’t always treat us in rational ways. Oftentimes we may get the impression from them that we are total and complete failures. If I were a really bad parent I would expect this, but doggone it, I know I am not a monster. Despite my failings, I am a decent parent and I don’t deserve to be treated like this!

I have learned that for the most part, kids love their parents and desire to have a relationship with them. And we need to have faith in ourselves and our abilities to love and nurture through all and any negativity and adversity.

As a parent you must be careful to filter out the emotional and verbal garbage your child may be giving forth and believe in yourself and stay on course... If you can believe in your heart that your children actually love you and care about you despite their current behavior, you will be able to nurture the internal strength needed to keep you going.


Part 3 of this article will cover children’s recent research that uncovered that fact that – guess what? You are really a hero to your kids!

See the FamilyIQ course Parent Traps and the article Teaching Values to Children for more information.

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The Paradox of a Child Who Lies to You!
Mark Hobbins

Living with a child, especially one in the pre-teen or teenage years, can be particularly challenging. What happened? How did this once sweet-tempered, polite and obedient little girl (well, relatively!) turn so mean and hateful to her parents? She truly seems at times to be filled with animosity, scorn, and sarcasm. WhatEVER!

Well, here’s a surprise: kids do not disclose their true feelings towards their parents.

Over the span of the past 25 years, I have been working directly and indirectly with parents and families who are in varying degrees of turmoil - from parents of children who are at times disrespectful and disobeying, to parents of children who have more severe issues and who are in treatment of one kind or another. The spectrum of this type of behavior ranges wildly at times from stubborn refusal to comply with common parental requests to outright defiance to family rules. The focus of my intervention is to help parents deal with their own feelings of inadequacy as well as their children’s behavior. Some of these parents feel helpless and heart-broken at times, and some parents feel that they may lose hope.

But here is an interesting fact that I’ve observed, time and time again. Kids who are in treatment, these same inconsiderate and seemingly uncaring children will, without exception, write the most sincere and loving letters to their parents as part of an exercise or when just given the chance to fully and honestly express themselves. These kids don’t get points for the content of their letters, they are told just to be honest in their notes to their parents. No matter how spotty the history, these children invariably tell their parents how happy they will be to see them or talk to them and how much they care. I have seen this over and over again.

With the right combination of parenting combined with the right advice or intervention, things can and do change. These children LIED when they told their parents how much they hated them: it took patience and intervention to allow these children to face their emotions and express their genuine feelings of love. ALL children, to varying degrees, lie to their parents about their feelings for and about them. Sometimes it takes a great crisis for the truth to out, sometimes it takes some degrees of growth and maturity, but it always takes patience and understanding.

My advice to all parents is to not buy into their kids’ crazy behavior. Don’t believe your children when they say they hate you, when they say you’re ruining their lives, or any of the other nasty and demeaning statements they will say to you in fits of anger and frustration. You may be the only person they can trust enough to vent to!

The message here for all well-meaning parents who are trying to show love, support and genuine caring for their children, is this: Don’t quit. Believe me, I’ve seen this over and over again - hang in there and don’t quit: things WILL change. If you find yourself believing the hurtful things your child may say, you will lose out as a parent and the risk is that your child may well have more of a struggle than is warranted.

Part 2 of this article will cover children’s behavior and parental self-esteem and Part 3 will talk about recent research that uncovered that fact that – guess what? You are really a hero to your kids!

See the FamilyIQ course Codependency vs. Independence and the article Communicating with Adolescents for more information.

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Family Tradition: Celebrating Milestones
Mark Hobbins
February 3, 2010

Like your family probably does, the Hobbins family has a few traditions that have brought great joy and benefits over the years. One tradition I would like to share with you has to do with birthdays. In our family, most of our traditions have to do with food, and celebrating a birthday is no exception! Typically, on their birthday, each of our children chooses his or her favorite affordable restaurant to enjoy this special birthday dinner with the entire family. However, our family birthday tradition goes a little bit deeper than just the meal. At some point during the restaurant meal, we conduct what we call a “strength group.” During this strength group, each person at dinner gets to share one trait they admire about the brother or sister being honored. Besides naming a trait, the ‘presenter’ also states an expression of love or friendship toward the birthday honoree.

Our family has been doing this exercise for many years, but not too long ago the real impact of this tradition was brought to light for me in an unusual way. On the car ride to the restaurant, one of our daughters mentioned to me that she did not want to do the ‘dad thing,’ where people say, “all those things about you.” She was feeling less confident than usual, and perhaps was feeling undeserving or fearful of her family’s expression. I encouraged her to allow us to honor her, but emphasized that if she didn’t want me to initiate that experience, I would honor that request. Later on, as we sat at dinner discussing typical family things, our daughter leaned over to me and said, “Dad, it’s ok if you do ‘that dad thing.’ ” I smiled at her. A few minutes later I asked for everyone’s attention and said, “It’s now time to take our turn sharing with our lovely birthday girl the one thing each of us admires about her.” As we each took our turn going around the table, I could see that our daughter’s heart was touched deeply as she listened to each of her sisters and brothers share sincere and meaningful expressions of love and admiration. Tears welled in her eyes as she was overwhelmed with these sweet and sincere expressions. A heart was healed… and confidence replaced fear.

I thought about this all evening as this family tradition and my daughter’s reactions touched my heart deeply as well. No matter what age we are, we all enjoy hearing sincere appreciation and something positive about ourselves. I look back across those early family years until now and see how after fifteen or twenty years each child has had imprinted something positive and meaningful into their mind and heart, reinforced by siblings and parents. While we have made our share of mistakes, this is one tradition that has become an institution in our home and among my children’s friends as well. If you are ever around us and we are celebrating your birthday, watch out, because you might be embarrassed by the positive things we may say about you!

Every child and certainly every parent needs frequent opportunities to both express and receive love and praise. I encourage you to look for times when you can all gather together and take turns saying something positive and loving about one another. It is immensely satisfying: a healing and unifying effort.


FamilyIQ has some wonderful information about family traditions, see the free course:
Unifying Your Family: Make Your Coat of Arms
Article: Celebrating as Families


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Parenting and the Therapeutic Alliance
Mark Hobbins

We parents can learn perhaps the most important lesson in life from what research has revealed from the world of therapy. As you may know, the education and training of a family therapist consists of different components: differing therapy types are studied, therapy techniques are explored, and various protocols and procedures are learned. While all are important factors in successful therapeutic exchange and change, research has found that the most crucial factor in determining a successful outcome is what is known as the “therapeutic alliance." What is the therapeutic alliance, you might ask? Well, it’s a fancy way of saying its all about the relationship that is formed between the therapist and the client.

When researchers studied the outcomes from various therapists with varying therapeutic approaches, what they found was quite startling. Successful outcomes were not determined by the unique modality or approach as much as the individual relationship the therapist had with the client. It was the relationship that determined outcome.
One of the most important things a therapist can do with a client is to form an open, non-judgmental, warm, and positive relationship. It has even been said that the therapeutic relationship IS the treatment.

So, what does this have to do with your parenting? Well, in the first place it’s critical to learn that “clients” like your family members will accomplish more in life if you have created in your own home strong “therapeutic alliances”: in everyday family terms, strong relationships! You will have greater influence and a more fulfilling experience if you will learn to develop bonds with each child.

Of course, you don’t have to be a trained clinician, but in fact you play a similar role. There are things that you can do to help you forge and nurture strong relationships and alliances with your children.

Consider these three ideas to work in forming your alliances with your children:

1. Be a friendly, warm person. Smile when you see your children. Offer a sincere compliment. Give them a hug or other comfortable physical expressions of your love for them.

2. Listen without judging or offering unwarranted advice. Practice active listening skills – seek to deeply and sincerely understand the information your child is sharing with you. Ask for further information and clarification, and restate what you have heard.

3. Discuss or converse about interesting or meaningful issues with your child. It’s ok to ask how school was today, but you can also ask your child, “What was the hardest thing you dealt with today?” Or for instance, you might bring up current events and ask your children their opinions about an issue that requires an expression of their own beliefs or values.

Creating a strong relationship with children is often easier said than done. These three ideas seem simple, and they are, but don’t be fooled. They take constant effort. Forging and maintaining a deep relationship takes time, patience, and diligence

I like to take the baseball view of things. Major league ball players make millions of dollars for a batting average of 300. So if you succeed once every three or four tries, you’re probably doing well. In our efforts to ‘raise’ our children, take minute today to nurture your relationship, after all, that is the most important thing you can do. The payoffs are great and well worth the effort.

For more information, see the FamilyIQ article, "Good Advice: Listen First" and the FamilyIQ course, "Active Listening."

Sharing and Support

Mark Hobbins

The importance of a kind and willing ‘ear’ cannot be dismissed. Recently, I was talking with a friend of mine who shared with me the troubles she was having with her child. Like most of us at these times, she was feeling completely bewildered, alone, and awful. I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, even attempt to solve her problems in one short conversation. However, what I did do is listen and share with her the thought that I have come to believe: that there will be times in our lives when our happiness as a parent is only as happy as our unhappiest child. Sometimes it seems no matter how positive and independent we strive to be in our moods, nothing can throw us like a child who is hurting, unresponsive, or struggling. By this brief phrase, I let my friend know that I was listening to her, that I HEARD her, and that I understood and emphasized with what she was experiencing. And she was able to breathe a bit easier.

So, in those tough times it can be helpful to reach out to a close friend or group of friends who are willing to listen without being judgmental. The kind of people who can truly listen without constantly offering advice. There are also those people who are what I call ‘silent sufferers’, who don’t have a large circle of friends handy with whom they can easily share. All is not lost; there are always ways to find people to share the burden, such as reaching out to spiritual leaders or a therapist. Sometimes anonymous (or not) online groups with related interests can be helpful as well.

Something good comes from verbalizing our hurts and disappointments. Not only does this help us get back on track, it may also provide an opportunity to discover how we can help our struggling child.

I have been working with parents for almost 25 years; parents whose children are struggling, and the one constant experience these parents have is the benefit they feel when sharing their hurt, pain, and inner selves with our group. I cannot say whether or not that benefit comes from the process of verbalizing their innermost feelings and allowing themselves to be vulnerable, or from knowing that they are not alone. I only know that there is strength, knowledge and comfort that comes from turning to sympathetic others

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Life-Learning Opportunities
Mark Hobbins

As our family gathered for the holiday, I asked everyone to do an activity with me. This activity consisted of reading about a person who, amidst great challenges in his life, stayed the course and never gave up.

As we read, it became apparent that the reason for this kind of dogged dedication was that at any given time, our hero was able to recall all of the earlier challenges in his life that, in spite of difficulty and adversity, were never allowed to languish or given up on as hopeless causes. These adversities created ‘life-learning opportunities’ and became positive experiences to refer to throughout life.

Our family discussed the importance of memory of our experiences and challenges and of the outcome of those experiences.

To help them all fully understand what I was hoping to get across, I shared with my family a list of experiences I had in my life that always remind me that I never want to give up or give in. A case in point was my recollection of the first time I appeared as an expert panelist on the Dr. Phil television show. I was nervous and anxious about my appearance and worried about my performance. But I relaxed when I allowed my passion for helping and teaching families overtake and overcome my anxiety. My television appearance was a success! Thereafter, when confronted with similar situations, situations that trigger similar emotions and fears, all it takes for me is to recall my past motivations and outcomes. How I deal with my memory of these emotions and experiences reminds me that I can confront obstacles and accomplish my goals while staying true to my goals, my emotions, and my beliefs.

I then asked each of our children to write down on a piece of paper three to five important experiences that would help them remember who they are and what they can accomplish.

After reading their completed lists, I became inspired about the understanding and thoughtful introspection of what they wrote about.

We ended our discussion talking about the value of this exercise as a way of keeping us on track with how we deal with what life offers us: who we are, and who we continue to grow to become. I keep my ‘life-learning opportunities’ list posted in my room so I can refer to it often.

FamilyIQ has online parenting classes and articles. Check out www.familyiq.com for more information.

Ethical Will

Mark Hobbins

Can I tell you a story how I made last year’s Holiday a more meaningful experience?

I give talks all over the country, speaking to people about how to improve their family relationships and parenting skills. Last November I gave a talk to a large group of corporate managers who were interested in improving their family and personal relationships. In the course of my seminar, the group and I discussed the difficulties of maintaining cohesive family ideals and goals in the face of the very busy lifestyles of the family members. Daily family conversations, a staple of our parents and grandparents, are now more difficult to arrange. The verbal legacy of values and ethics these discussions can impart are more difficult to reinforce as a part of normal family interactions. The managers and CEOs at this meeting expressed to me their struggle and frustration to find opportunities to teach or pass on to their children the values, principals, morals or ethics that they have found to simply make life work. We ALL share this struggle.

That seminar, set in the holiday season, prompted my thought – how can I outline and pass along to my children the important things I have learned, and am still learning, about life?
We are all familiar with a will or trust, a document that outlines special items such as family heirlooms to pass along to our children. I decided to write a will – a living “Ethical Will”. An Ethical Will is a document designed to pass ethical values from one generation to the next. Instead of concentrating on material items as in a will or trust, I would present to my family a personal statement of my treasured values and beliefs: those things that I have come to believe are the most important things I have learned about life. I did not want my family guessing what I stood for and feel passionately about: I wanted to spell out this ethos, this spirit of belief, and present this document as a gift.

So last December, I went to the local stationery store and bought 8 sheets of parchment-like paper and wrote and printed my Ethical Will. The creation and giving of this Ethical Will to my family added layers of meaning to the Holiday season.

What follows is my very personal, but very heartfelt document that is my “Ethical Will.” Feel free to use these points as a clues or building blocks to help you look deep and start defining those things that are important to you. I would like to encourage you to give this gift from your heart to your family. Pass along to those you love the values, principles, morals and ethics that have enriched your life. And enjoy your holiday season!

• I Mark Hobbins do hereby bequeath my beliefs, experience and knowledge to my family. I do this in hopes that no descendent of mine will ever wonder what I strove to stand for. I acknowledge before all that I have made many mistakes and was less than my best too much of my life. I have sought to teach my children what I know – what I have felt – and what I have seen. I hope they will forgive me for my feeble attempts and at times my over-zealousness to have them learn what I know.
  
  My greatest achievement was marrying Diane – my greatest joy is being together
  Wherever my family is it is heaven to me
  Attitude is a constant companion and empowers those who master it
  Being thankful is a hallmark of greatness
  In humility we find our greatest strength
  Your family is your greatest work and reward
  Work is the magic for everything – learn to love it everyday
  Kindness begins at home and extends to everyone especially those who are different
  There is no reward in loving the lovable – Charity is loving those who mistreat us
  At the end of the day your family will always love you and welcome you home
  We are shaped by the effort not always in the accomplishment
  United we prosper – divided we fail in - all things, especially marriage
  I achieved more when I did not listen to my own fears
  Learning is a life-long pursuit – Feed the mind and spirit every day
  Discover your life’s work and never tire of pursuing it. Money will always follow what you love to do